Speaker 1: 0:00

Good morning church, happy Sunday. Well, I am so excited. It has been a little while since I've been on the stage for a message and not for an announcement. Can we give it up for Renee, because she did a lot of announcements, which should be encouraging. Guys, we have so many cool things happening in our church and in our community this fall. So today we are continuing our series which is called Find your People, love your Neighbor.

Speaker 1: 0:23

Today we are continuing our series which is called Find your People, love your Neighbor, and as I look at some of our audience with the familiar faces and maybe some new faces, I can tell you, guys, something interesting. I know something about you, yeah, oh no. So I know that first of all, most likely because you find yourself here on a Sunday morning, I think that we all share in common, potentially, a love for Jesus, or at least an intrigue or an interest about Jesus, because we're all here together. And I also know that we have lived through something together in the last few years, am I right? I think that that's why they call it a pandemic Pan, meaning everyone. But that means that we have gone through something and we have experienced some things, some things, y'all, in the last few years. And you know what, if we think all the way back to the beginning, I think that we did a lot of the same things to cope right, especially in the very early days of the quarantine of the pandemic. You guys, your brains are working, I can see it. I would like to call them today COVID quarantine era coping trends. And I will say that some bandwagons I hopped on and some of them I did not Like. I'm oddly proud to tell you guys that I did make it through the entire season without having made any sourdough bread Not in the cards for me, not part of what I did. I'm less proud to tell you guys that I did in fact watch the entire season of Tiger King. Tell you guys that I did in fact watch the entire season of Tiger King and it wasn't one of my finest moments.

Speaker 1: 1:50

But I can tell you that we did spend some of our other waking moments doing some more life-giving and productive things. Right, we took a lot of walks. Anybody like walk every single street in your neighborhood and like venture into the neighborhoods around. So we did a lot of walking. There was some home improvement. Right, we redecorated a bunch of things. I thank God for the Target drive-up order, jacob less so. We tried some gardening it's dead now, but we tried and I will say that Jacob went through a salsa making and soup making phase that I was really not mad about. It was a good time in our lives. So those were some of the things that we did, but I will say that there was a legitimately awesome trend that we did hop on that definitely changed the course of our lives forever.

Speaker 1: 2:35

Probably, like many of you guys, we were stuck at home day in and day out and tried as we might. Jacob and I were just stuck at home and we eventually got that social distancing fatigue right, the one where you just miss being in like six feet of each other and with other people. And we now know that for couples, this does mean that most likely, at some point, you may test positive for pregnancy. So we had ourselves a COVID baby. Sweet little Jameson was our trendy 2020 COVID baby. So we hopped on that bandwagon and I will say, hands down, best trend of 2020. I will definitely keep this one, keep this one. It's not an option and so that was our favorite part, right.

Speaker 1: 3:21

So there were some things that I would say that probably all of us could say were our quarantine wins, but I will also say that as a whole, as a people, we had a lot of losses right. We had a lot of things that happened to us socially and culturally that were really exasperated and exaggerated, and the pressure of that season really did a lot for us together and we all kind of went through it. And while there is no going back to the before, there is a way forward and we can always tweak a design so that we get better results in the future. But in order to do that, we have to be really honest about where we are as a people and how things are working out for us. And so what do I mean? Right?

Speaker 1: 4:01

Today, we're going to talk about something that is a specific struggle that can elicit a lot of shame and even embarrassment, and it's also serious and some would even say it's a deadly threat. In fact, the Surgeon General of the United States of America has issued an 80-page advisory naming this to be the biggest threat to our mental and physical health in the United States. It is more dangerous to your health than diabetes or obesity or smoking 14 cigarettes a day, and the problem is loneliness For our purposes. Today, we're defining that as the consistent psychological state that arises when we lack the intimate and authentic relationships that we need to thrive. And guess what guys? Two out of three people in America would say that they are lonely. And this is how we know that there is still shame and stigma attached, because while 66% of Americans would say that they are lonely, only 12% are willing to admit it and talk about it or get help for it.

Speaker 1: 5:04

The first thing that I want you to know is that, as I say, that if that hits your heart in a way and you are feeling alone, you're not alone in feeling alone. You're not lonely because you are unsuccessful or you're not good enough. It's not because you are unlovable or unlikable. It is not because you are annoying Well, maybe you are, but not any more than the rest of us. And you don't need to feel ashamed or embarrassed, because your loneliness is not an accusation of your unworthiness. It is a signal. It's your mind and your body telling you that you have an unmet need for connection, a connection that God designed us for. Your loneliness isn't a sign that something is wrong with you. It is a sign that the signals that God designed you with are working and your body is raising the white flag and saying, hey, we're not okay and this doesn't feel right.

Speaker 1: 5:59

So here's what we're going to do. I'm not going to ask you to stand up in here if you are lonely, because I know that only 12% of you will tell the truth. I am going to ask you to stand up if your last name starts with an A through a P, just for a second. If your last name starts with an A through a P. If you would stand for us, I ought to be able to see everybody a little bit, thank you, and I want us to sit in this for a second and I want us to look around, because this is your church community, this is your kids' school, these are the parents on your kids' sports teams, these are your employees, your volunteers, these are the people in your neighborhood. 66% of Americans would say that they feel lonely. You guys can sit, thank you, and I would like to propose that loneliness is not actually a you problem, but it is an us problem.

Speaker 1: 6:54

The collective loneliness that we are feeling is actually the result of a culture that we are co-creating together. If we think about it, the world sells us individualism. From replacing our front porches with attached garages and bigger lot sizes to keeping our faces in our phones, from DoorDash to Uber Eats to ship shopping, we're designing a life of convenience and independence and privacy, and while none of those things are inherently bad or wrong, when we prioritize certain values over the long run it's going to produce some results. And here are those results. Research is showing us that there has been a rapid decline in time spent with friends and an increase in the time spent alone in the last decade. In 2010, adults were spending, on average, 6.5 hours a week with their friends, and about one decade that has decreased by 59% to two hours a week or less. And wouldn't you know, guys, it's having an impact on us. We really see this accelerate around 2012, when smartphone penetration in America hit over 50%, and I can tell you what we probably all feel is that Facebook is not a replacement for people in our lives and sitting across from us in our homes and at coffee shops.

Speaker 1: 8:13

Every age group and demographic is lonelier than ever before. Statistics say that 70% of leaders feel alone. Less than one out of every five moms would say I trust my community with my faults and weaknesses. Men are particularly five times lonelier today than they were in 1990. And, perhaps most alarmingly, guys for the first time in recorded human history, we are seeing that our young people are lonelier than the sick and the elderly. So we are indeed in the midst of an epidemic and there is a great need here.

Speaker 1: 8:52

It's also an incredible opportunity for us as believers, as Jesus followers, to live in God's design for us that we see all throughout the scriptures in a world full of lonely and isolated people, that we can be, live out the calling that Jesus has for us to be as Jesus followers, living counter-culturally right, that we are prioritizing connection and community and radically caring for one another. Now I know that I am talking to a room full of very busy people and then probably you guys are thinking about now so you're going to get up on the stage and tell me to hang out with my friends more Like. That sounds a little fluffy, that sounds a little bit unrealistic. You may be thinking that prioritizing relationships, frankly, and friendships most importantly, feels like doing a U-turn on the freeway of a society that glorifies busyness and success and the accumulation of wealth and safety and comfort and independence. Is it even possible or realistic in our lives, and I hear you and I'm with you because I live in it too, but hear me out we have to ask ourselves what is at stake if we don't do something different. I'm asking us to be honest with ourselves about the impact that this culture that we are creating is having on our well-being, on our kids' well-being, on the future generations, because the loneliness that we're experiencing it's not inevitable and it's not how we were designed to live. We know that in part because, across the globe, while many countries are trending in the same direction, I think it's worth paying attention that there is staggering research that shows, while 78% of young Americans would say that they feel alone, we can compare that to only 10 to 15% of young people in parts of the world like Netherlands, ghana, austria and Indonesia. And I believe that's in part because within these cultures, there is a prioritization and tradition and societal norms and even infrastructure that is designed to promote connection and community.

Speaker 1: 11:12

As many of you guys have probably heard, jacob and I moved here about five years ago for the purpose of starting this church and we planned and we prayed and we trained and we waited and then, when the time was right, we packed up a U-Haul and our baby and we moved to a place that we didn't know anybody. We moved right here. We left everything that we knew to start this dream. It was a dream that we had been dreaming for years and when we moved, I found myself sitting alone in our little apartment most mornings journaling God, what is the purpose of church? What is this all for? What does it really mean? And, candidly, can I be honest with you guys? Because if we can't be honest in church, where can we be?

Speaker 1: 12:05

I was in a season, a very tough season, of grief and of loss, and the move away from everything that I knew, that was familiar and easy, was taking such a toll on me and I felt scared and I felt under pressure and a bit lost and everything that we were working towards for this church that we sit in now it seemed daunting, like y'all. It seemed like standing at the base of Mount Everest and I was scared and everything that we were sacrificing, like good friends and good jobs, like comfort and free daycare, to then put Kingsley in a daycare with strangers that cost us $1,300 a month. It was wearing on me and it was hard and I couldn't put a label on it then, because I think it was too overwhelming to admit. But I was feeling lonely. I was feeling lonely and I was feeling lost and unable to see a way forward and I had to ask God, what is it about this church thing that is actually worth all of this?

Speaker 1: 13:07

And maybe you have found yourself in a spot like that in your life where something flips totally upside down, Life takes a sharp left turn and all of a sudden you find yourself in a season where you are doing life in parts alone and you feel alone and you would really like a refund on this experience, because we don't want to do this anymore. Now, this is the part in a good, inspiring story where I tell you guys, the miraculous thing that God did one day, that changed everything. But I'm not going to do that because this is real life and not a movie and that's not how it happened. I just struggled. I just really struggled and life moved on and God did indeed start this church and he grew this church and I wrestled with him and God was there. But I could not get any relief from this nagging feeling of loneliness and loss and confusion and life pressed forward. And in this story.

Speaker 1: 14:08

The answers came in the form of a utensil divider, soup and secondhand clothes. This is a utensil divider. You can get some of these at Target drive up. You can also buy some on Amazon. Maybe you have a really memorable one from your wedding registry Congratulations.

Speaker 1: 14:29

But this particular utensil divider came to me freshly plucked out of my good friend Brandy's own kitchen drawer. Brandy was helping us move and God bless her, because friends that help you move, there's a special place in heaven for y'all. But, brandy, after we had realized, as we're unpacking my house, that the new things that the kitchen drawer divider that we had wouldn't now fit in the skinny drawers that we had in our new home, she took it upon herself to swap it out with the one that lived in her kitchen drawer at home. And why do I show you guys this and why is it significant that Brandy's utensil divider is in my kitchen? Because that is what church is for.

Speaker 1: 15:15

And in the fall of 2021, I had met this really nice lady named Lori and she was attending our church. Based on a flyer that she found in her mailbox. Sound familiar. It's coming, guys. And because in that season, having a toddler and a newborn wasn't enough already. Our family came down with COVID and that really nice lady who I didn't know very well at the time turns out that she has this really secret talent for being an excellent cook. And as I was battling sickness and sick babies, I went out on my porch one day and I retrieved enough homemade soup to feed a small army. Why? Because that is what church is for.

Speaker 1: 16:02

And in the winter of 2021, because having a toddler and an infant isn't enough already, and because God knew that we had more love in our hearts to give, we welcomed our adopted son Hayden home from the NICU at four pounds with very little notice and very little preparation and, if I'm honest, y'all, it was a lot. But then I found myself in my kitchen on a Sunday after church going through bags and bags of preemie baby clothes the tiniest clothes that would fit on that tiny little human with my good friend Gina, because she had taken it upon herself to go and search through all the secondhand stores in the area to make sure that we had what we needed to take care of this four-pound little guy. Why? Because that is what church is for. And in the last few years because my life circumstances that I'm telling you guys about today. While sometimes they're heavy, they're really not all that unique and there's a lot more people that share similar struggles in their everyday lives that are just like mine.

Speaker 1: 17:05

And because handling those things on my own, even with me and God, isn't enough, I have gathered with a small group of ladies in our friends' kitchens and living rooms and the Wegmans grocery store patio and we have gathered together to share and to laugh so hard that we spit out our coffee and to pray for each other and to share our life experiences, to encourage one another to keep going with one another and to show up for each other. Why? Because that is what church is for For. Where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them. Every single morning, guys, when I grab a spoon out of my kitchen drawer, I am reminded that God loves me and that he is with me and that he cares about me enough to show his tangible love through the people that he is with me and that he cares about me enough to show his tangible love through the people that he has surrounded me with in this community. And every time that I dressed baby Hayden in those onesies and I was living on limited sleep and a lot of coffee, I was reminded that I am not alone in this crazy journey that we call life. We were made for this, guys. We were made for it. We were created for community.

Speaker 1: 18:29

What is the point of church? To experience the fullness of life that God has for us in a way that we can only do together. I know that those are highlight reel, right? Those are some of the cool ways that God has shown up for me in difficult moments and impacted me through community. But, to be honest, I could give you a ton more and I can give you a bunch of ways that I have done that for others. But let me ask you if that was real, if we could all have that level of relational support, the give and the take, the tears and the laughter, shouldering each other's burdens, showing up when people need us, meeting each other's way, meeting each other's needs in a way that we just can't on our own, encouraging each other in words that we cannot speak to ourselves and growing in ways that we cannot speak to ourselves, and growing in ways that we can only do with the feedback from somebody who has a different perspective. We don't like to hear it. I know I don't like to hear it, but we can't do this all on our own and we weren't created to, and I encourage you if that makes you uncomfortable, because it does for me too let it sit with you. You can't get the fullness that God has desires for you alone, because loneliness is not what we were created for.

Speaker 1: 19:51

Have you guys ever seen somebody use something in a way that it wasn't intended? Parents are probably like yes, every day, every moment. And I'm not talking about like the trendy things on TikTok and Instagram, where people show you magical ways to use something new that you never have. I'm talking about like, for example, sweet Jameson COVID baby. He's three and a half now and he loves music, and so he decided that our cheese grater it was a guitar, and you can imagine the horror on my face as I am watching him about to strum his little fingers into mozzarella cheese.

Speaker 1: 20:32

God is saying to us that is not the way that I intended this. He is giving us the warning signals, the big waving arms that he is trying to tell us that we can, in fact, design lives that prioritize connection, that we can do this the way that it was intended and in that that we have the opportunity to become healthier people, to raise healthier and happier kids and to be a light in the world of comparison and social isolation and competition and deep loneliness in our communities, in our families, in our workplaces. Because newsflash guys, the results are in and the stats are very clear. The enemy is lying to the world, he is lying to us and the world has bought into this lie that we don't need anyone or anything and I can do this all on my own right. Of course, that feels safer, it feels way less vulnerable, it feels way more convenient, because this whole community thing is going to take a little bit of your time. But I would encourage everyone to think about what happens in all of the scary movies when people split up and the murderer gets you alone. This culture of independence and individualism is being packaged to us as this idealistic goal, when in reality it is killing us. It is killing our souls. What we were created for is to connect and to relate.

Speaker 1: 22:01

John 13 says love one another in the same way that I have loved you, love one another. This is how everyone will recognize that you are my disciples, my followers, when they see the love that you have for each other, not how self-sufficient you are, not through our successes, not through our wealth, not through how well-behaved your kids are, not through the titles we hold or the amount of followers that we have, not through the size of our ministries or our companies or the size of our house or the size of our bank accounts, but by the way that you love one another. Okay, 1 John 3 says beloved children. Our love can't be an abstract theory. It can't be just something we post about on Facebook, if we only talk about it, but a way of life demonstrated through our loving deeds. We know that the truth lives in us. Because we demonstrate love in action, we can live the lives that God designed for us, guys, and we can fulfill the new commandment that he gives us, and we can inspire those who do not know the love of Jesus, all just by designing lives that prioritize that community and that connection.

Speaker 1: 23:20

And how do we do that? Well, you're probably not going to like this, but I have to tell you, guys, some hard news. You will not just find community at least not the one that you want, I can assure you but you can build it. You can build it, and that means, most likely, that you're going to have to do something. Love in action.

Speaker 1: 23:46

From a logistical standpoint, that means going first to make the moves, to make the changes that you need to create space, to prioritize connection and tend to that kind of community. It means to take the initiative to create the availability and make the plans and then, once you make the plans, commit to them. Commit to them and keep showing up, even when people flake or bail or cancel last minute because it's likely going to happen at some point. But do it anyway. Make the space, invite people over, join the small group, heck, lead the small group, ask people questions, but whatever you do, get started, do something, and I think next we're going to need to let go of our unrealistic expectations and let God surprise us, let him surprise you, with the authentic relationships that look different than Instagram and people's perfect Facebook photos of their lunch date with their besties and all of the TV shows. Right, because Disney and Hallmark did not set us up well with a good view of love at all and they didn't do the same. They didn't do it either with friendships, because relationships look like conflict and resolution and learning new perspectives and showing up for each other and having friends that do not look like you.

Speaker 1: 25:13

I can tell you, guys, something for certain that God did not place you in this community on this Sunday for a coincidence. You are not here by accident. So I would start asking God what do you have for me here? Who do you want me to build a relationship with? And then, from that relational perspective, it means that we're going to have to lean in and we're going to have to lead with vulnerability and authenticity, and I keep thinking about that statistic that I talked about, where it says that only 20% of moms trust their community with their faults and their weaknesses. We're going to have to get real, guys. We're going to have to stop saying, when people ask us on a Sunday, how are you doing Great, oh great, how are you doing? Oh great, that's awesome. How many of us have said that we're doing great when, in fact, that is the farthest thing from the truth? Friends, we have to lead by example. It means that you have to go first to share your grief, to share your joy, to share your highs and your lows, to confess your faults because we are all imperfect people your fears, your longings. When we do that, we do create a community where people feel like they can bring their whole selves, mess and all that we can know and be known, which is a deep desire of our hearts.

Speaker 1: 26:34

And while there are hundreds of scriptures all throughout the Bible that encourage us on this topic of community and authenticity, I do want to share an example of what I think it means to go first in authenticity, and it's in the story Matthew 26, where Jesus is in the garden, you know, and he's about to be betrayed and he's about to go and, you know, do his whole Jesus thing die for us. And if you were asking me, you know, a couple months ago, to tell you guys the story off the cuff, you know, up until a couple months ago, I probably would have said something like this so Jesus is in the garden and this is last night, with his disciples and he was doing, you know, he knew he was going to go be crucified and he was getting ready to do this huge thing. So he did a good and holy thing and he took some time, some silence and solitude. He brought his three good friends with him and he's going to go pray and have some time with God. But before he does that he just asks the disciples to take part in this with him and to stay awake and keep watch while he goes to pray.

Speaker 1: 27:32

Right, you guys have heard that story, but as I was preparing this message, I read this specific verse in the Bible. In the Passion Translation. It says that he said to them my heart is overwhelmed and crushed with grief. I've felt that before. It feels as though I'm dying. Will you stay here and keep watch with me and my gosh? I have never read it like that. Now, if I had to retell you this story, I would tell you that Jesus was with his friends, his disciples, and then he pulled three of them aside because those were his best friends. Those are the people that he knew that he could trust the most, and he said something like this to them. So, guys, I am just really not okay. I am just honestly so overwhelmed right now by everything that I am carrying and, frankly, I am just really really sad. And I know that it's late and I mean I know that there isn't really anything that you can do about it practically to fix the situation, but I was just wondering would you stay up with me just for tonight, because I really don't want to be alone just for tonight, because I really don't want to be alone Right here in the last hours on earth.

Speaker 1: 28:54

The God of the universe is showing us that we were created to need each other. It is not a sin, it is not a failure, it is not a flaw that you have. It is a feature of being made in the image of God. He is showing us what it looks like to be authentic, to lead by going first, not with power, not with having it all together, but with authenticity, with humility, with vulnerability and honesty. He asks his friends for help during just a really dark night.

Speaker 1: 29:23

And you know some of us in this room, you guys have also had some dark nights and I know that I've had some of them myself over the last few years and my heart, like Jesus, has been overwhelmed and it has been crushed with grief and I have felt so lost sometimes and felt in deep sorrow, and I just thank God for the people that he has placed in my life, that were willing to stay up with me, that were willing to keep watch with me and pray Just last week as I was preparing this message actually, I stayed up most of the night because my mom was in the hospital due to an accident that left her with a broken hip, late at night, two hours away from me. All I could do was wait and worry and pray, and I thank God for my small group, for my women in my small group, in this very community that stood with me in prayer, that answered my text messages, that checked in on me, that asked me if I needed anything. Because, guys, this is why we were created to do life together, because my darkest night it may come at a time when you have the capacity and you have the strength that I can borrow until the morning. You have that hope that I can borrow until the sunrise. You know, and I think, at the end of the day, that we as Christians, if we boil it down in this life, we're just a bunch of hope dealers. Right, we're just passing and borrowing and lending hope and encouragement back and forth from one another, reminding each other that, no matter how dark this night is, that the morning is coming.

Speaker 1: 31:06

And your dark night it might be financial stress, it might be a marriage that's going through a tough season, maybe it's caring for aging parents, or maybe it's loss, maybe it's the exhaustion of young kids. It might be losing your job or waiting for a diagnosis. It might be the closing of a chapter that you wished didn't. And friends, just as Jesus said with his, it's just too much for us to carry on our own. But it's not a flaw. It is a feature of how we were designed, how God designed us to be interdependent, to shoulder each other's burdens, to rejoice in each other's triumphs and the good. We were literally made for this. So I would challenge us LVC, let's commit to building this community that we were made for and inviting other people to be a part of it, because I'm going to get real practical with you guys After today's message. Maybe your next step is to admit that that hit hard, really hard, when I said that you were lonely and it might just be getting prayer, because there are some very normal, very friendly friends up here that will be here waiting to pray if that is you friendly friends up here that will be here waiting to pray, if that is you. And maybe it's to start actually telling someone how you are doing when they ask how's it going. Maybe it's to lean into the community that is all around you, that God has placed you in and finally join the small group and start receiving healing not from building up walls to keep people out, but by having life-giving and authentic relationships with other Jesus followers. That can spur you on, spur you forward, and maybe it's to invite someone else to be a part of this.

Speaker 1: 32:55

I know we've been talking about this September 15th and inviting our community to church. Why are we doing that, guys? Because two-thirds of Americans would say that they are lonely and they are struggling, and there are plenty of seats in here. This week I invited four different people to church, and that's not because I am a pastor and it is not because I am good at inviting because it makes me very nervous but because, when I opened myself to some very normal conversations this week with my neighbors and with strangers, the conversation always reveals without fail that people are searching for connection and community, and it's a good thing we have a good one right here, right With some extra chairs. This is a place where people can discover their faith right where they are, and it's a place where people can learn to navigate the complexities of life in life-giving relationships with Jesus and with his people. I can't imagine no better place to invite people to come.

Speaker 1: 33:59

So I want to close today and encourage each of us to pray a bold prayer. God, what will you have me do? What is my next step? What will you have me do? So let's pray together.

Speaker 1: 34:18

Church, god. We just thank you, lord, for these moments that we are in your presence. God, I just thank you that you are God, you are Emmanuel, god with us, and even when we are lonely, even when we are in a place that is heavy, that we don't know what the next step is, god, you have designed us and you are with us and you are going to show us the next step. You promised to be a lamp to our feet and a light to our path, god. So I pray even right now, as where everyone is at, coming from different walks of life, different life circumstances, different places in your job, in your community, I pray that you would give everyone in here that light to their next step, that next stepping stone in their journey, whatever that may be, because I know as tough as it is we all want to be taking steps forward.

Speaker 1: 35:13

So, god, I pray for every single person in this room that you would rest on them, for my friends that feel lonely, especially in a place that you weren't even willing to put that label on it. Because I've been there, god, I pray that in a way that only you would do and only you can do, in that gentle whisper that you would let people know that they are not, in fact, alone, that you are with them and you are putting people around them like pawns on a board. You're moving people into place and as they look up, they'll start to see who they are and what's their next step. And maybe you're in here and you haven't accepted Jesus, that guy that we've been talking about this whole time, that that's not been part of your journey yet. And maybe that next step is to take a step into trusting Jesus, or maybe it's to recommit to trust.

Speaker 1: 36:10

Say God, I've been living this thing on my own, alone, self-sufficient, for way too long. So if that's you, I'm just gonna pray a really simple prayer. You don't have to stand up or say it out loud, but just repeat after me Say God, forgive me for my mistakes, make me new Today. I trust in you. Today I walk in your plan. I know that you are with me In Jesus' name, amen, amen. Well, let's give God some praise in this place.