Speaker 1: 0:00

Good morning, lvc. A question for you have you ever noticed how people tend to ignore warning signs? You know, like when your check engine light comes on and you think, eh, it'll probably go away, right, probably going to be fine. Or when your alarm clock is screaming at you and it's telling you you're about to be late, but you think, eh, it'll probably be fine, and you hit the snooze button. So sometimes we tend to do this also in our relationships. We see red flags in our relationships, but we want it to work so badly that we say, meh, it'll be fine, right, wrong, if we are honest with ourselves. If we ignore the red flags early, it's just going to lead to heartbreak later, right, so today we're going to ground ourselves in Proverbs 27, 12.

Speaker 1: 0:51

So this proverb is interesting because it contrasts two different kinds of people. So you're going to see a sensible person, a wise person I think we can admit that we all probably want to lean in that direction and we're going to see an unwise person, or it's described as an unthinking person, and I don't think that's how we feel about ourselves. Right, we want to be in one camp over the other. But this proverb says that these people do two things. They both do two things. So the Bible says sensible people see trouble coming and what? They avoid it. So they see it and they avoid it. They do something, but the foolish person will walk right into it and regret it later. So those are the two things. The message version puts it this way A prudent person sees trouble coming and ducks, while the simpleton walks in blindly and is clobbered Clobbered. I think that this morning we can all agree that we don't want to get clobbered because of our foolishness. We are going to go on a little bit of a journey today to become wise people together, so that we can see things coming and we can do something about it.

Speaker 1: 1:56

So let me tell you a story. I was in college and life was going great. I had recently started following Jesus and I was in that phase of my relationship with Jesus where everything is just a sign from God. Have you ever been there? You find like five dollars in your pocket and you're like, yes, god provides. Or like a front row Target parking space and you're like, yes, god is with me on this shopping trip. God is everywhere, right?

Speaker 1: 2:17

So when I was in college and I met this cute guy at a basketball game and he casually mentioned that he was a Christian. I thought, wow, god, you work fast, this is great. So we made plans for a dinner date and things were going well. He brought me flowers, he held the door open. That's always a good thing. 10 out of 10 so far. But somewhere between the menu and the appetizer Things took a turn.

Speaker 1: 2:44

Before the mozzarella sticks hit the table, this man was deep into his life story. And I'm not talking about the fun, adventurous life story. Oh no, he opened with his childhood trauma. We moved on to his parents' very messy divorce and then he walked me through that time that he was casually misdiagnosed with a personality disorder and medically treated for it for years. And you guys, don't worry, he assured me in this moment I'm fine, totally, not crazy at all, and that's exactly what you don't want to hear on a first date. But it got better because it continued and he talked about his ex-girlfriend and not just a casual mention of his ex-girlfriend. Oh no, he was too good of a storyteller for that.

Speaker 1: 3:33

We went all in. We had the full back story, the dramatic pauses. But don't worry, he assured me I know what you guys are thinking, he's fine, he's totally moved on, totally ready to enter into a new relationship. And you know what? I'm just staring at my breadstick at this point, thinking, sir, I am not your therapist, you should probably find one, though. And at this point I'm playing out two possible scenarios.

Speaker 1: 4:03

The hopeful part of me was thinking, you know, maybe, guys, this is like one of those times it's like a Hallmark movie, right, he's been through so much, he's overcome so many things and we can go on with our relationship and it'll end in a love story of redemption. The wise part of me is thinking, maybe this is a little bit more like the end of an episode of Law Order SVU, and I end up dead in the trunk of your car. So I sensibly did what any wise person would do and I ran. And I mean, when that man dropped me off, I metaphorically and physically ran the opposite direction. I blocked his calls, I blocked him on Facebook, I thought about joining the witness protection program and I moved on because I wanted to be wise in that case.

Speaker 1: 4:51

But this is what we're going to talk about today, because there are red flags in these moments for a reason, and sometimes they will arrive before the entree does, and hopefully those aren't all of your situations, but we do want to talk about warning signs and red flags and when we see them coming, because there are moments where we do genuinely just really want something to work out so badly that we say, well, maybe it'll get better, maybe I could fix that, maybe we'll grow past it right. But the proverb that we're anchoring ourselves in tells us that the wise people see trouble coming and they do something about it, but the foolish person will walk right into it assuming it's not that bad, and then they regret it later. So let's not be foolish, friends. Let's talk about these five red flags that we can see in relationships, and let me pause here to say that this message is for everybody. I know what you're thinking.

Speaker 1: 5:40

We're in the Save the Date series. We're talking about dating, marriage, relationships, and you might be saying, oh well, I'm not dating anybody, so this doesn't really apply to me. But the thing is that these red flags are going to apply to all relationships. When you think about it, when you allow somebody close to you whether that is a dating relationship, whether it's your family, whether it's a friend, maybe it's a business partner, somebody that you spend a lot of time with. They're going to shape you in some sort of way. So we want to take a look for these red flags.

Speaker 1: 6:07

You also might be thinking red flags, oh no, this is where she tells me when I see the red flag. I got to break up with the person, I got to end a relationship and I got to take myself out of the equation. But, like Jacob mentioned a couple weeks ago, as a pastor and as leaders or mentors in your life, people are not here to tell you what to do. It is absolutely not my role or responsibility to tell you what to do, but you have a relationship with the Holy Spirit and the Holy Spirit is always faithful to listen to us and to answer us. He's always speaking, if we just have ears to hear him. So we're going to talk about these flags, but I want to think. I want you guys to think about it a little bit differently. Let's think about it like if you've ever watched football. Anybody in here ever watched football. Okay, a couple of you have. Several of you are not awake yet, but there's still coffee in the lobby. So if you've ever watched football.

Speaker 1: 6:56

A flag is thrown onto the field when something isn't right. Maybe a rule was broken or somebody stepped out of bounds. But the thing about flags is that when the flag is thrown, the whole game's not over, right? What happens when the flag is thrown? We pause. They pause the game, they review the play, they check to see what's going on Sometimes they check in with the box to get a higher view of the field, to see things that the players or the coaches or referees might not be seeing and then, based on that review, based on taking that pause, they decide the next course of action. So this is exactly what we need to do in our relationships.

Speaker 1: 7:32

When we talk about these flags, it doesn't necessarily mean that our relationship is over. Sometimes it does, I'll tell you that but ultimately it does mean that we need to pause, that we need to take time to review what's happening, to get perspective from a higher viewpoint, to get perspective from God, trusted mentors in our lives, our pastors, our small group. Next, we need to decide, based on the truth and not just emotion, what is our next step, because when we pause and we seek wisdom, we invite God's perspective. We set ourselves up to have relationships that honor God and bring us joy. Anybody else want joy today, because I definitely do. John 10.10 says my purpose this is Jesus talking. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life. Anybody want to experience joy and a rich and satisfying life. I think that we can all agree that that's where we're headed today. So we're going to dive into these red flags. All right, red flag number one they are not consistently pursuing Jesus. It's a red flag.

Speaker 1: 8:31

Let's say you meet somebody right and you go on a first date and you're in a coffee shop and you ask them so what are you passionate about? And they're like oh man, I love hiking. Have you ever seen a sunset from a mountaintop? And then they go off, they show you pictures on their phone, they talk for 15 minutes straight and they forgot that you were even in the room. When you ask people about what they're passionate about, they get excited. Then you ask that same person well, tell me about your faith, what do you think about God? And they say well, yeah, you know, I believe in God. I went to church on Easter and Christmas a long time ago when I was growing up. Yeah, that's good, I agree with that.

Speaker 1: 9:08

But here's the thing, guys If we're honest, people talk about what they value most. And if someone truly loves Jesus the way that you do, the way that you're trying to pursue him, it's going to naturally come out. You're not going to have to pull it out of them, but it should naturally spill into our conversation. And I want to say here that this is not about being judgmental. There are a lot of amazing people in the world that don't follow Jesus, but in the context of this conversation the issue is the relationship.

Speaker 1: 9:35

Can you build a God-honoring life with someone who doesn't share your spiritual foundation? 2 Corinthians 6.14 warns us do not be yoked together with unbelievers. In other words, don't be joined, don't be united, don't try to build something lasting with someone whose foundation is completely different from yours. And again, it's not about looking down on someone who doesn't believe in Jesus. It is about recognizing that different spiritual values will actually impact all of the areas of your life. Amos 3.3 says can two walk together unless they have agreed? Think about that for a second. Can two people really walk in the same direction if they don't agree on where they are going? Have you ever held a toddler's hand in the middle of Target? If you have, you will agree. If you're not committed to the same direction, it will be really hard to get where you are going. And if you are committed to following Jesus, if that is what you are seeking in your life and they are not then the honest truth is that they're not moving in the same direction.

Speaker 1: 10:38

Because what you believe spiritually impacts every part of your life. It impacts how you parent. It impacts how you handle life. It impacts how you parent. It impacts how you handle money. It impacts how you spend your time, how you prioritize church. It's going to impact what kind of entertainment you enjoy. It's going to impact the way that you view commitments. It's going to impact the people that you surround yourself with.

Speaker 1: 10:56

And at first, especially in the beginning of a relationship where you haven't intertwined all these things yet, it might seem small, but over time they will become massive roadblocks. And I will say that there's a temptation here to settle. I hear that all the time. Well, maybe I can. Just, you know, my faith is my thing. I'll just, you know, do that on my own time. And maybe it could if your faith was only about how you spent two hours on a Sunday morning. But honestly, if we want that full life that we've read about in John 10 10,. If we want to experience the rich and satisfying life that Jesus promised us, then Jesus has to be fully involved in all areas of our lives. So if you're experiencing this, what can you do?

Speaker 1: 11:38

An action step here is to have an honest conversation. If it hasn't come up yet in your relationship, ask open-ended questions about their faith journey. Share what Jesus means to you, boldly and with passion that they had about hiking and why faith is central in your life. If they express interest in growing, invite them to church, invite them to an event, invite them to a small group or invite them to pray together and start exploring what Jesus has. If they don't show any interest in pursuing Jesus, you have to ask yourself a tough question Can you build a God-honoring life with this person? Ask the Holy Spirit. He is faithful to respond.

Speaker 1: 12:18

Red flag number two the people that love you. Don't love them, dun, dun, dun. Have you ever brought somebody home and introduced them to your family and instantly your mom gives you that. Look, they turn around and your mom's, like you know what I mean. Or your best friend, the one that always has your back, is normally right on the same page with you. They pull you aside and they say, hey, I don't know about this one. And then it's not just them, it's your other best friend and it's your manager at work. And then your dad says something and your dog your dog who likes everybody does not like this person. They do not like him, and I know what you're thinking. Well, they just don't know him like I know him. That's the problem.

Speaker 1: 13:09

Exactly the people in your life that are raising concerns are not distracted or infatuated with the butterflies and the attraction. They see what's going on, and if your entire wise circle of godly trusted people is raising concerns, it's probably not just their opinion. It's very likely that's a warning from God. So my question to you is do you believe that God placed these people in your life for a reason? Do you think that maybe they're not just there to ruin your fun, but maybe they're trying to protect your future?

Speaker 1: 13:41

Proverbs 27.9 says the heartfelt counsel of a friend is sweet as perfume and incense. Hold on, guys, and I get it. We probably want them to be wrong. Right? You are starting to tell yourself a million justifications of why that's not exactly true, but I can tell you from experience that chemistry can't carry a relationship for very long and attraction does not outlast character flaws. If you are dating and your trusted friends or mentors are raising concerns, it doesn't necessarily mean that you have to break up again. It means that you need to pause, we need to review what's happening and we need to take the concern seriously. So Proverbs 12, 15 says the way of fools seems right to them. But the wise listen to advice. We want to be moving in that direction. The wise listen to advice. If you're both willing to grow and I say both there's an opportunity to work through it, and I'm speaking from experience and not in the way that you might think.

Speaker 1: 14:45

So when I was dating my husband, jacob, it was awesome. Everything was going well. My family liked him, our friends liked each other and our life was good. At this time, I had been following Jesus for a couple years now, but my faith was still newer to me. I was still trying to figure out how to weave Jesus into my everyday life, whereas Jacob, on the other hand, was already on staff as a pastor at our church. He had, you know, been a Christian for a number of years and he was really passionate about planting a church one day and absolutely felt called to full-time ministry and I loved that about him. I was just over here trying to get through my final exams and get myself into grad school.

Speaker 1: 15:25

Then one day our pastors, andy and Sharon, who were like parental figures and mentors in our lives they took us out to Outback Steakhouse and I was just excited right for a free meal and a blooming onion. Anybody ever had a blooming onion? You should go get one. And then they had some things to say. And between bites of steak poor, unsuspecting, sweet me they said we love you and we think that it's so great that you're in Jacob's life. But we have some concerns. And I said what I'm the best thing that happened to Jacob. I humbly thought that in my head.

Speaker 1: 16:11

And then they started sharing their hearts and they were honest. They said we know that Jacob is called to plant a church and this is not a light task. And we need to ask you where do you see yourself in that equation? Are you open to being in ministry? Have you ever considered what it means to be a pastor's wife, to raise a family while planting a church? Or even do you want to be a pastor yourself?

Speaker 1: 16:36

And I just stared at this blooming onion and I started to wonder why do appetizers cause the people in my life to have such heavy conversations with me? I've started skipping appetizers altogether. But, in all seriousness, I hadn't really thought about it that way. I had not really considered. I knew that that was something that Jacob loved and it was something that I supported him in doing, and I was fully committed to following Jesus, but I wasn't sure that I wanted to sign myself up for a full-time ministry.

Speaker 1: 17:04

But here's the key in that story is I listened. I could have easily gotten defensive and I could have said well, this is my life and my future and I will figure it out myself. And I could have said well, that's not a make it or break it for us, we appreciate your advice, but we're going to keep moving in the direction that we think. But instead I valued their life experience, their lived experience, and I knew from the character that they had that they only wanted the best for us. And so I took my feelings to God and I asked him what he saw in my future. And can I be honest, guys, from that conversation, something incredible happened. From that conversation, god began to show me how my skills and my passions and even my original plan to go to grad school to become a counselor, actually fit into a life of ministry, into God's future for my life and Jacob's partner in that. And that feedback, that honest question, empowered me to say yes to a calling that I didn't even see coming.

Speaker 1: 18:05

And that conversation didn't just change my life. It strengthened our relationship. The church that you see here today, the family that we have, could not have happened had it not been for that honest conversation. My ability to take the feedback and to ask could not have happened had it not been for that honest conversation, my ability to take the feedback and to ask God and to run with it. So why am I telling you guys that? Because wise counsel in our lives isn't always meant to shut something down, it's not always to tear your relationship apart. It's meant to point out the weak spots and figure out where we need to build, build us stronger, either together or sometimes apart. I won't say that it always will end together, but my question for us today is are you coachable? Can you take feedback?

Speaker 1: 18:45

So our action step is to ask for honest. Once you've agreed, yes, I can take the feedback, you go and ask for it, you ask for honest feedback and then you actually listen. So I would recommend, if you find yourself at that red flag, you go to three trusted people mentors, close friends or pastors and you ask them what do you see in this relationship that I might be missing? And then you listen with an open heart, not a defensive one, and if multiple people are raising the same concern, take it seriously. Then pray about it and ask God what does he think? What are you trying to tell me from the people that you have strategically placed in my life? If you're married, talk to your spouse and ask them are there things that we need to work on and then commit to growing together? Because if we take these flags seriously, they don't have to be a detriment to our relationship, but it can actually give our relationships a chance to thrive, to have the life to the fullest that Jesus offers us.

Speaker 1: 19:39

So, red flag number three you don't experience healthy conflict. Let me tell you, guys, something mind-blowing you are going to fight. You are going to fight with the person that you are dating. You are going to fight with the person you're engaged to. You are going to fight with the person that you are dating. You are going to fight with the person you're engaged to. You are going to fight with the person that you are married to. Shocker, I know, but it's not a question of if you fight. It's about how you fight.

Speaker 1: 20:07

Healthy couples are those who fight for resolution. We want to work through it, we want to move forward. We want to love each other well, even in disagreement. Unhealthy couples fight for victory. I want to be right. I want to prove that you are wrong. I want to be the one that has the victory. Are you fighting for resolution or are you fighting to win?

Speaker 1: 20:30

Now, if you're constantly fighting, I will say, if you are in a cycle of make-up and break-up and constant drama and constant drama and constant highs and lows, that's a problem and that's a red flag and we should look at that. And on the other end of the spectrum, if you never fight, it's probably not because you guys are both perfect. It may mean that you've got two people who are more likely to avoid conflict, who don't know how to communicate or express their feelings and work forward through challenges. So I will say that there is a real thing that is a reasonable, healthy amount of conflict where two people can love each other well through disagreement and they can move their relationship forward. So the key would be settling on the goal that you both have in conflict isn't to win an argument, but it's to build your relationship. So how can we learn to handle conflict well? The good news is that healthy conflict can be learned, and my favorite conflict verse of all time is James 1, 19 through 20. And it says everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. That's gold right there. Honestly, if we did this in all of our relationships, in all of our difficult conversations with our peers, with our co-workers, we would just be doing an A-plus job. If we followed those three things quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to become angry most of our conflicts would be a whole lot healthier, and I know that that preached to me when I wrote it down. So that's my goal this week Quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to become angry. So our action step here is to set up a conflict resolution plan.

Speaker 1: 22:07

If you are experiencing unhealthy conflict in your life, in your relationship, it doesn't always have to be your dating partner or your spouse. This could be with anybody and when you're handling, when you're not arguing and when you're not in the middle of a heated debate, you talk about it. You talk about how you want to handle conflict in the future, what would be a best case scenario for you. And then another thing is to use I statements Every good therapist will tell you. Use I statements that explain how you are feeling. I feel hurt when you dismiss my opinion, versus saying you never listen to me. These are things you never want to say in marriage. You never. You always you're fat. If you don't say those things, you're going to do great. Set a cooling off rule.

Speaker 1: 22:51

If things are getting out of control and things are getting really intense, you take 10 minutes to separate and to pray the best and most wonderful. There's a lot of great things in a Christian marriage, but one thing that I always value is that, no matter how much Jacob and I are not seeing eye to eye on a certain tiny subject and it doesn't feel tiny at the time, it feels huge. I know, because we have built our life on a foundation where we share the same values, we talk to the same God. The Holy Spirit is in me the same way that it is in him. So when we take 10 minutes to separate, I know for sure that God is faithful to speak to Jacob, just like he will speak to me, and that is something that in our relationship. I don't think we would survive the conflicts if we didn't have that space to know that the other person is listening with one ear to the Holy Spirit and one ear to their partner the same. And if conflict is out of hand, I would encourage you to seek Christian counseling.

Speaker 1: 23:46

Sometimes there's a stigma around counseling that this is like a we've gotten too far, we are in a failure mode, we are waving the white flag and we're saying we can't do this. And yeah, that's possible that it gets there. But I think that Christian counseling should just be a tool in your tool belt At some point in your marriage. If you have been married for any number of years, christian counseling is a great place where you can have a neutral space, a proactive space to talk about things. That's the only way that we can constantly weave our lives together for 10, 20, 30, 40, 50 years. So counseling should be a tool in your tool belt and you use it when it's needed. So red flag number four we're making it guys. So, red flag number four we're making it guys.

Speaker 1: 24:29

Red flag number four is you find it difficult to trust them. It's a red flag, it's not good. Let's talk about trust, because if you don't have trust you don't really have a relationship. And I'm not saying that you're never going to have moments of insecurity, especially when you're dating, wondering is this moving forward? Is this the direction that we want to be going? Do they really care about me? Do they have my best interests at heart? And those thoughts should come and go. But if you are constantly consistently worried that you can't trust somebody, that's a red flag.

Speaker 1: 25:02

First, corinthians 13, 7 says love is always what. Love always protects, it always trusts, it always hopes and it always perseveres. So we focus on that. Love always trusts. That's what the Bible says Always, consistently, constantly. And that doesn't mean blind trust. That does not mean that you ignore the red flags. It does not mean that you just hope for the best and hope that things will turn out okay, even though you're feeling something or you're sensing something. It means that in a healthy relationship, the love that Jesus describes and wants for us, trust should be the foundation.

Speaker 1: 25:41

If trust is always an issue, there's a reason. And I want to unpack this because I think there's two possibilities here. One is that they're actually untrustworthy. I know that could be hard to hear, but if someone, if you don't trust somebody consistently, it could be because they're not trustworthy. Maybe she's continuing to talk to people always, you know, sliding into other people's DMs, as the children say. Maybe he always talks to his ex-girlfriend. He thinks it's healthy to keep a relationship. Maybe this person forgets to mention things that are important, about where they've been or what they've been doing, and you always feel uneasy. There may be a reason. The Holy Spirit is alive and active in us, and if you are constantly feeling a nudge that something isn't right, pay attention to it. Possibility number two is that you might be the issue. So let me say this gently, but let me say this If you are always worried and always untrusting, sometimes the problem isn't that they're untrustworthy, but that you're not trusting.

Speaker 1: 26:48

And this can happen for a few very legitimate reasons. Maybe you've been hurt before and you do feel like everybody in your life is going to hurt you at some point. Or maybe you struggle with insecurity, so you're always looking for reasons to be suspicious, to protect yourself, but it's coming out as untrustworthy. Or maybe you do have a tendency to be possessive or controlling, or to desire yourself, but it's coming out as untrustworthy. Or maybe you do have a tendency to be possessive or controlling, or to desire control, and that's creating unnecessary tension. Either way, if there is a broken trust, it has to be addressed. And so, if you're experiencing this, you can ask yourself what is this telling me? Because, remember, the wise see the issue, they recognize it, they identify it, but then they do something about it. And we don't want to be foolish, we want to see something and do something.

Speaker 1: 27:35

So our action step here is to identify the root of that trust issue. If they're not trustworthy, don't make excuses for them, and that can be hard to do. Don't make excuses for them, and that can be hard to do, but you have to confront the issue. And if they refuse to work on it, you have to ask yourself am I supposed to stay in this? If you struggle with trust, you've got to be honest about it. Ask yourself am I bringing old wounds into this relationship? Say it in prayer, holy Spirit, reveal those places where I'm bringing old wounds, old scars, places in my heart that are broken from previous relationships or previous experiences. And God is faithful to gently, ever so gently point those things out to us and show us those next steps, and you can have an open and honest conversation with your partner about your trust concerns and pray for discernment from God, together and separately.

Speaker 1: 28:35

Is this the relationship that I should be in? How do I move forward from here? And if trust remains broken, tool belt, christian counseling. Get somebody in your corner who can help create a neutral space for you to work through those things. Because let me encourage you in this God's plan that rich and satisfying, abundant life is not for you to live in constant suspicion and constant anxiety. It is not something that you can just stuff down and hope that we just don't open that door most days. It's going to, it's going to seep into everything that you do, so address it and live in the good and rich life that God has for you.

Speaker 1: 29:13

All right, guys, we've almost made it. We've got four flags so far. Red flag number five is they are leading you away from Jesus. Let me say this one as clearly as I can Jesus. Let me say this one as clearly as I can. It is indeed a red flag if the person you are dating or really any person at all, any relationship that you are close with is leading you away from Jesus instead of towards him. And I will say that this can even happen in Christian relationships. This can happen in the midst of marriages.

Speaker 1: 29:46

If you find yourself less spiritually vibrant than you were before you started dating this person, you have to pay attention, because here's what Jesus says in Matthew 24, 4. He says see to it that no one leads you astray. Everybody, say it with me no one. Literally no one. So that means not even the person you're dating Literally no one. So that means not even the person you're dating, not even your mom, not even your work relationships. No one leads you astray. We've got to get practical. If you start dating or say you started a work experience or in your marriage, you're in a season where you've stopped going to church.

Speaker 1: 30:24

Red flag you drift away from Christian community that you've established. It's a red flag. You drift away from Christian community that you've established. It's a red flag. You start compromising in a dating relationship sexually over and over again. It's a red flag. You start rationalizing sin together. That's a red flag.

Speaker 1: 30:43

And at this point our action step is to do a spiritual check-in, because a good thing here is where you are feeling that nudge from the Holy Spirit. I'm not feeling like I'm spiritually in tune or as vibrant as I once was. You just ask yourself at different checkpoints, honestly, throughout a dating relationship, three months in a year in. You can do this in your marriage too. Jacob, actually, and I take some time on every single anniversary because it's a good reminder that we've another year in and we ask ourselves how are we doing together as a couple and also individually? Am I spiritually stronger today than I was before? Are we growing closer to Jesus together Now? I don't want you to hear this and think well, we've drifted, we're doomed. It's over If you both recognize. Both recognize that your relationship has pulled you away from Jesus and maybe not maliciously, but it's distracted you. It has maybe become an idol in your life, but you're both willing to refocus.

Speaker 1: 31:46

There is always hope. That's the best thing about our God is there is always hope. There is never a time that you can't raise your hand and say, god, I want more of you. I want you to direct this. I offer this place in my life back to you. Maybe you have taken something that God was once in control of and you have slowly moved that back into your court. I can manage this. This one I'll keep for myself. There's never a time in our lives that we can't turn right back around to God. He's never too mad at us. He's never not there if you turn to him.

Speaker 1: 32:20

So what can we do in this? So my recommendation is to pray together and separately. I would say first, pray individually, ask God have I allowed this relationship or this thing to take priority over you? And then come together and pray and invite God back into your relationship and ask him to grow you spiritually as a couple. That is the coolest thing about God is one he's always there. You could do this in the car on your way home, and it's a simple way to start moving forward in the direction that you want to go, towards a rich and satisfying life, and God is faithful to meet us there.

Speaker 1: 32:55

And then, number two, you could come together and each contribute an action step. So sit down together, brainstorm. Each of you, bring one thing to the table. What is one step that we could take to help your relationship spiritually? That could be joining a small group. It could be praying together before bed each night. It could be serving together in the church, volunteering and having a shared experience. It could be setting aside a time for Bible study, utilizing the YouVersion app to do a plan together. If you're dating, it could be re-establishing healthy boundaries around purity.

Speaker 1: 33:29

The key here is that both people contribute Both. This shouldn't be one person dragging another person along. But what if only one person is willing? If only one of you is willing in a dating relationship to take these next steps, then that's a red flag. If your partner isn't interested in pursuing Jesus with you, you have to ask yourself can I build a Christ-centered future with somebody who isn't committed to Christ? Am I leading them closer to God or are they leading me further away? Because relationships that pull you away from Jesus will never be God's best for you. And now I know what you're thinking at this point, especially if you're in a dating relationship, or you feel in some of these flags, you might be saying well, erin, you know that sounds really great and I agree on certain aspects, but I'm not really sure that I can walk away, that I can take an action step like that, and also, you're married. This is easy for you, you don't have to deal with this and I get it. I really do, because I have been where you are. I know what it's like to be in a relationship that feels good, maybe it feels comfortable, maybe it's familiar, but it's not great.

Speaker 1: 34:47

Before I gave my life to Jesus, I was in a long-term relationship and we had history. We had years of history. We had lives that were very deeply intertwined our shared friend groups, our shared plans for the future, our involvement in each other's family, a number of unhealthy attachments. But he was a good guy and deep down, if I was honest with myself, I already knew that he didn't bring out the best in me. I had seen red flags over the years but honestly, I just ignored them. It'll be fine. Right, I ignored them because the highs were good and the lows were tolerable and I figured that was good enough for me.

Speaker 1: 35:26

But something changed when I really started to follow Jesus and I mean not just going to church on Sundays, but really started to follow Jesus, trying to model my life after him and believing in his plan for my life and experiencing the Holy Spirit. I encountered the Holy Spirit in a real way, where I started to feel God's love for me, and I'm not just talking about like a little bit of hope or like the nice verses that sit on like your desk at work and always give you that extra boost. But I mean that deep, overwhelming, life-transforming love, the love that we were created to experience. And I realized that he didn't want me to settle for just an okay life, that he wanted to give me an abundant, adventurous, joy-filled life, a life where God could be the center, not just my Sunday. And I knew, if I was honest with myself, that I could not compartmentalize my faith. I couldn't just keep it in my own little box. If I wanted Jesus and the life that he promised me, I knew that Jesus had to be in all parts of my life. And I learned the more that I learned about those promises of God, the more that I wanted, more I wanted to experience it.

Speaker 1: 36:37

So I decided to have an open and honest conversation. I asked my boyfriend a very simple question. I said what do you think about this God thing? I said what do you think about this God thing, and can I be really honest? I set the bar really low because I did not want the response that I knew was coming. I said in a very confident way you know this thing that I've been doing. If it becomes important to me like I'm not sure that it's important yet, but if it does become important to me and like we continue, would you just like come to one service with me and just see how, why I like it? And then I waited and in that conversation, word for word, he said no, no discussion, no conversation. He just said no and he had his reasons. But he had no curiosity about my faith.

Speaker 1: 37:33

And in that moment I realized that years of history, no matter how many years it was, wasn't worth sacrificing the years ahead that I had with God and what I knew that he wanted for me. So I did what some of you might need to do I cried and then I ate some Ben and Jerry's and then I talked to at least seven of my friends. I asked my dad for advice and, most importantly, I asked the Holy Spirit. I really did. I said God, what do you want me to do here? Because this is not easy. And God, in his kindness, because he is faithful, he gave me peace and it didn't make the breakup any easier, I can tell you that. But it did make it clear, and I thank God that I didn't settle for good when I had something great coming and I was really sad then.

Speaker 1: 38:24

But if I hadn't stepped out of that relationship, I would have never stepped into the beautiful, god-centered, adventurous relationship that I have now with my husband, with our three kids, with this church. But more than that, and I want you to hear this, more than that, if I hadn't said no to that relationship, I would have been saying no to the deep, life-giving relationship that I have with God today. I can't tell you that you're going to trade in one relationship for another. I know that God's faithful and he honors the desires of our heart. But if I stayed in that relationship, sure, maybe I would have gone to church by myself, maybe I would have continued to kind of loosely learn about Jesus for myself. But if I'm honest with myself, that relationship would have been a roadblock for everything that God had for me, for the person he wanted me to become.

Speaker 1: 39:18

So let me ask you this question Is there something in your life right now that is standing in the way of God's best for you? Because, trust me, I have been there and it is not easy to give up something good for the unknown. But if you have courage to let go, god does have something greater that he is waiting to give you, but you can never receive God's gifts if you have full hands or closed fists. So pray with me, church God. We thank you, lord, that you are a good father and that you have good plans for us. Lord, Even the worship that we were lifting up today, god, if I know my father, I know he has good plans for me, and we may not get to know all of the details of those plans right up front, but I trust you, jesus, that you are who you say you are, that your character is trustworthy.

Speaker 1: 40:22

So, god, I just pray for everybody in this room right now, lord, and everybody listening online, for everybody in this room right now, lord, and everybody listening online, god, as we have gone through this message and those small areas that are tugging on our hearts. Maybe it's the insecurity that you haven't dealt with that is causing pain in your relationships. Maybe it's grief, maybe there's some hard conversations that we need to have and and God, I pray that right where we are, lord, we would start to experience your Holy Spirit, god, because you bring peace beyond circumstances, and you bring peace when our minds are a storm of anxious thoughts and worries. God, I pray right now that that peace, the peace of of God, would rest on people. Lord, in this place, lord, where we would know without a shadow of a doubt, your plan for us in that thing, that we're questioning, that area that this message brought to light. So, god, I pray that from your heart to our ears, we would hear whatever it is that we need to hear from you, god, because you are a personal God and you speak to people. And God, I just pray over the relationships that we need to hear from you, god, because you are a personal God and you speak to people.

Speaker 1: 41:35

And God, I just pray over the relationships that we have, whether those be dating relationships, whether you're single, whether you're married, whether you're engaged. God, that our relationships would honor you, lord, and that we offer up those places in our relationships that don't honor you, that we haven't been doing fully the way that you intended. And, god, we say we want to trade that for your promise of a rich and satisfying life. We give those things, even in your mind. If there's a thing that's coming to mind, god, yeah, we give those things to you. Just offer it to Jesus. You can put your hands out in front of you as an act of surrender. In your mind, you can picture that thing and picture you handing it over. Act of surrender. In your mind, you can picture that thing and picture you handing it over. We trust you, lord.

Speaker 1: 42:11

And maybe you're in this place and you're thinking you know, aaron, that's really great, but I don't even have a relationship with this Jesus that you're talking about. But I'm interested in that rich and that satisfying life and the cool part about God is it's a really simple prayer. It's just a conversation and you can right where you are in your chair. You don't have to stand up I'm not going to call you up or embarrass you but right where you are, you can just repeat this prayer after me. You just say God, forgive me for my mistakes Today. I trust in you. Today I follow you. I give you these areas of my life that I'm not sure what to do with, but you are the author of life. I trust you with them. I trust you today, jesus, amen.